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  My Neighbor Is 79 and She Mows Her Own Lawn. Last Sunday She Destroyed Her Son-in-Law at Dinner.

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  My Nephew Said “Basements Are Where You Go When You’re Bad”

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  My Mother’s Lawyer Pulled Me Into the Kitchen While My Brother Was Still Eating

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  My Niece Said It Like It Was a Normal Rule. Then My Phone Rang.

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  My Uncle Locked His Attic the Day He Knew He Was Dying

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  I Pushed Through the Bay Doors and They Tried to Take My License for It

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  My Daughter Asked Why Grandpa Carl Yells at Me – At His House

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  My Grandma Left Me a Voicemail About a Casserole. Then She Left a Second One.

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  The Permission Slip Came Home With a Hole Punched Through My Son’s Name

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  The Doctor Said My Seven-Year-Old Was Faking. I Kept the Discharge Papers.

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  I Walked to the Podium and the Microphone Was Already On

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  She Said It Loud Enough for the Whole Line to Hear